The healthy food choices on the bulletin board are SO lame. I often wonder at the people that stand there reading it like it's as interesting as the TV show they've been pretending to watch while working out on the elliptical machine. HELLO! If you eat more than you burn off and you eat crap you will get fat and you will feel like shit. 'Nuf said.
I love good food and I love to cook and read recipes and shop for ingredients and talk food with my workout buddies and swap recipes and ideas and tips about where to eat and how to cook stuff. I thought I'd share a recipe with you. It's potentially healthy!
DISASTERAbout one hour to prepare. Feeds 8. Or it should.
INGREDIENTS
>1 Magnum cold white wine, preferably Chardonnay (something you would actually drink, which is probably just about anything with alcohol)
>8 to 10 ounces medium size pasta shells (any small shaped pasta will do; avoid anything that pretends to have fiber in it)
>5 slices of bacon
>3 tablespoons olive oil
>1 tablespoon butter (more if you are feeling particulary low today)
>1 large yellow onion, chopped (peeled, but maybe you knew that)
>1 large clove garlic, crushed (also peeled)
>1 small zucchini, cut in half lengthwise and then sliced 1/4" thick (or just cut up; it depends at this point how much wine you've had, and how much time you want to fuss with it)
>1 small broccoli floret, chopped (watch out for your fingers with that knife)
>8-10 cherry tomatoes
>1/2 can black beans, drained and rinsed (leftovers in the fridge sitting for less than 3 days are good in this recipe but if you can't remember how long they've been in there start with a fresh can; these have the fiber you didn't miss in the pasta)
>1/2 cup chopped flat leaf parsley (rinse it well unless you like sand in your food)
>1 1/2 cups whole milk yogurt whisked with 1/2 cup half and half
>Freshly ground black pepper to taste
>Parmesan for serving at the table
>3 ibuprofen
DIRECTIONS
This recipe is best if you work out for three hours or more, or until exhausted and almost starved.
1. Assemble all your ingredients. You will also need a large pot with a lid to cook the pasta in, and a large saucepan for the veggies with sauce.
2. Stare at everything while you drink a glass of wine and worry about your finances, marriage, job, or anything else that has you on edge.
3. Cook the bacon until crisp; drain on paper towels and crumble. Eat half. Drain off most of the fat from the pan. Add oil and butter to pan and heat over medium heat. Put a fresh bandaid on your finger.
4. Cook the pasta in plenty of water. I avoid salting it, preferring to salt my food heavily later when I can't taste anything anyway because I've been drinking wine, even knowing I'll wake up in the middle of the night really really thirsty from both the salt and the wine. Let the water come to a boil before you put the pasta in it. Stir well when you first put the pasta in so it doesn't stick together, even though you would probably eat it anyway, then again every few minutes or so. Don't cover the pot once you put the pasta in our it will boil over, but you can clean up the mess in the morning.
5. Meanwhile, pour another glass of wine and feed the cat. When this glass of wine is half empty and you aren't worried so much about your finances, marriage, etc. it's time to make the sauce. You can hold onto the counter if you feel a bit off balance.
6. Saute the onion and garlic in the now hot fat, taking care not to make a big mess by splattering it everywhere. Also avoid starting a fire. When the onion is soft add the zucchini and broccoli and tomatoes and continue to cook until tender. Add the reserved bacon, black beans, parsley, and yogurt mixture to the pan, reduce the heat and continue to cook until heated through.
7. Check the pasta, which you should have been stirring all along. It should be AL DENTE, named after a song and dance man from the 1930s, I think, but I'm not sure.
8. Finish that glass of wine and pour another. If you can get through the second glass the third is always easier. Set the table. If you are only one person you can eat on the floor in front of the TV.
9. Drain the pasta, add it back to its pot, then stir the veggies and sauce into it. Serve hot topped with fresh black pepper and parmesan cheese. And salt.
10. Eat half of what you made, including the whole garlic clove that you should have fished out of the sauce. Finish your wine, stack up the dirty dishes, and put the leftovers away (I wouldn't want you to forget).
11. Take the ibuprofen and get a big glass of water. Pass out, in bed if you can find your way. Wake up at 4:00 a.m. and go to the Y and then work all goddamn day.
12. Come home, drink the rest of the wine and eat all the remaining pasta dish. Don't forget to feed the cat. Do the dishes from last night and tonight, and clean up the mess on the stove. Go to bed and think about tomorrow's workout because you need it.
