THIS WEEK IN THE NEWS: It's hot (in case you didn't notice)

Mum, the first underarm deoderant, was apparently invented in 1888 by an unknown saint from Philadelphia. This gift has allayed the delicate sensibilities of many many generations of gnats, the only living creature out there besides the crazy workout junkies who insist on exercising outside in 100 degree temperatures.

It's been in the high 90s with a "heat index" over 100 degrees since early in the week. A "heat index" is what the temperature "feels like" when you leave the AC and walk out to your car. You should allow it to cool while you fry eggs on the hood, because one tip says not to run your oven as one way to stay cool, unless, of course, you are an idiot like me. Anyway, eat them up quickly because, according to my sources, they will become contaminated quickly from the heat if they are left out for too long.

There are many ways to stay cool during a heat wave. I think there are hundreds of sites out there all offering up the same anti-hot tips over and over and over again, so I'm going to offer up some alternatives which I'm sure you will find helpful.

1. Stay young. Or just stay immature. Old people don't handle the heat as well as the young.
2. Be thin. Fat people also suffer more when the temperatures soar. If you are already overweight don't sweat it. Eat some ice cream to cool down.
3. Stay at work. Work on Saturdays and Sundays as well. BONUS: The AC at work is free.
4. Drink light beer when you are tanning poolside or on the beach. Drink standing up so you know when you are ready to pass out. Please pee in the toilets provided.
5. Don't take salt tablets. I recommend Doritos or Cheez Doodles if you want a snack with the 18 glasses of water you need to rehydrate after running outside anyway.
6. Wear a hat, but one with some style so you don't look like an idiot standing in the sun in the middle of the day.

And, if you are prone to migranes, I recommend avoiding high heels.

I'm off to Alaska tomorrow and hope to pet a polar bear tummy. Please stay cool. I'll be thinking of you as I run at 3:00 a.m. when the sun is just coming up.