Doing Squat

Batman flies past me on the road again this week, in a bigger hurry than I am to get to the Y, where we will both arrive at least 5 minutes before it opens just to sit in the parking lot and listen to really loud music. Batman parks in handicap parking, finishes his smoke, then sits in the hot tub for an hour.

This is not a workout. THIS is called "doing squat".

Not to be confused with doing squats, which I've discovered are one of the best all around moves to help tone your body. If you do them right, your calves, hamstrings and gluteus maximus will be tight and toned, your core will get a workout, balance will improve and hormones will be released to help you build muscle.

Now I'm pretty sure it's the hormones that I'm liking because, to be honest, I always hated doing squats. Instead, I'm trying to get into it by humoring myself at the same time. Here are a few tips on doing them right and sticking to it so you get all the benefits without hurting yourself.

Do not perform squats if you have lower body injuries or lower back problems. Instead, go to Denny's and use the toilet without actually sitting down, which I highly recommend. Same exercise. Go more than once to get maximum benefit.

Stand with your legs just hip width apart, which, ladies, is about a fist width, not a foot or more. Keep your knees loose and your back straight. You look good, which will change in a moment when you start actually doing the squat, because I think they make you look foolish and rude.

Press your weight into your heels as you lower yourself, aiming to get your thighs as close to 90 degrees as possible, and making sure your knees don't project forward of your ankles. Listen to your ankles crack and try to stand up straight again without cracking up at the fact that you are pushing your heinie out at everyone behind you.

If you DID manage to stand up straight without throwing out your back, repeat 10 times. Sit down and try to look like what you just did was effortless. Text message a friend or tweet.

Now that you have the basic move down pat let's make it even MORE fun:

Add more weight. Use the Smith Machine or use barbells across your shoulders, or even held close to your chest. Grunt loudly at every opportunity. This helps build attitude as well as muscle. Do not use the Smith Machine if you don't know how to put the weights away when you're done.

Do plie squats holding a heavy weight at arms length down in front of you. This looks really strange and should get you at least a few sideways glances. Wink at yourself and try not to laugh.

Plie squat, then, at your lowest point, lift yourself up onto your toes and hold it for 10 seconds. Ow ow ow ow ow! (are we having fun yet???)

Hold the squat at the bottom for a count of 10. Try to stand up. Listen to your knees crack. If they both crack drink some water. Repeat.

Do squats with a ball against the wall, with or without weights, regular and plie. Try doing this on one leg. You now look like a squawking bird, which you will be tomorrow when you try to walk up stairs.

BONUS MOVE: If you put your fists on your waist and flap your arms at the same time you are doing squats it's REALLY fun if you can keep a straight face. Guaranteed to freak out nearby weirdos.

After 6 days you get a day off to do squat. Enjoy.

See you tomorrow!!!