Make a Wish

Today, as he blew out the candles on his ice cream, Poobah probably wished he wasn't an old man. I'm sure he's glad he didn't suddenly turn into an old woman (son of a...).

Thirty of us, mostly gym junkies, turned out to celebrate Poobah's 94th birthday. It was great to see him all smiles. Stitch, too, and she was looking her best until we messed up her lipstick. I know they just loved seeing us, too, and we were all clean and dry and dressed up nice for a change. We even smelled pretty.

Little Bug wished for a gluten free dessert and her wish came true, so I have it now on good authority that telling others what you wish for does not jinx the outcome. So here I go:

• I wish we could do this more often - you know, get together and hug without having to apologize for being stinky and sweaty.
  
  
• I wish that I could eat pastry every day and not turn into a nerf ball.
  
  
• I wish everyone could just lose five pounds so we can all shut up about it.
  
  
• I wish I could wear cotton panties under my compression shorts without my ass looking lumpy.
  
  
• I wish that winter was really behind us and that spring will stay, because my tulips are blooming already and because winter, even a mild one, sucks.
  
  
• I wish I didn't get a sunburn everytime I linger on the back porch when the weather first turns lovely in springtime, but then again, I'm white and I have a white ass so I shouldn't expect otherwise.
  
  
• I wish I didn't have to have a mammogram (but I'm glad I've got tits).
  
  
• I wish my progressive lenses had the distance vision on the bottom instead of the top, so I could hold my head up and see where I'm going and at the same time disguise my crepey neck.
  
  
• I wish I could find my purple scarf and the other purple leather glove, since I only wore them out one night, to a bar, and I can't remember seeing them since, but this, I think, is just wishful thinking.

And I wish love to all of you. Poobah's party was SO much fun and you all behaved yourselves. So did I, for a change. xxx

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, POOBAH!!!

Being Regular

Sure, there's nothing that feels quite as good as having a good shit, or being a good shit, but that's another blog altogether.

Today I want to explore the idea of being regular, or shall we say "being a regular", at the Y, in particular those of us who start our day there almost every day. We get up, get out, drive too fast in the dark, press our way in the front door, load our lockers, workout, shower, get ready for work, then commute to our respective paid positions without once coming to the realization that we actually did all that and didn't wake up. No, this lack of focus is not exactly getting us in shape for a swim across the English Channel, but still, we are "regular", which is a good thing.

Until something is amiss. And, as regulars, we notice the little things. We are a veritable fountain of useless knowledge about the way things work, should work, used to work, don't work, or never worked.

How many of you noticed, like Spinney, that the water cooler in the main hallway downstairs is alot warmer than the one upstairs??? How many of you ladies had a shower when you turned on the tap in sink #1 this week??? How many of you ladies stood in your own filth when shower stall #2 wasn't draining for a few days???

How many of you would like three lifeguards on the morning shift??? How many of you would like a vending machine for things you forgot, like deoderant or a razor??? How many of you think there should be blue emergency phones in the locker rooms??? How many of you think there should be informational posters in the fitness center on how to use the equipment???

How many of you remember when we could reposition the jets in the hot tub??? How many of you remember when the soap wasn't foamy??? How many of you remember when we could get hot water in the ladies shower stall #1??? How many of you would like candy bars in the vending machines in the lobby again???

Yes, I know, all this is little stuff and really stupid. The problem is we NOTICE, and unless WE TELL SOMEONE the powers that be may not know that things aren't working. So we must take it upon ourselves, as responsible members, to COMPLAIN/SUGGEST/INFORM/REQUEST/PROPOSE/RECOMMEND/ADVISE/BITCH (circle one), because chances are the irregulars won't and nothing would ever get done.

OK Lover Boy I admit I got a bit PISSED this morning when Coach closed down two of our lanes at 8:06 a.m. in the pool so the triathletes (most of which needed to lose 25 pounds, FYI, and they are NOT swimming the English Channel either) could do a practice run for next Sunday's indoor event. Coach tried to say they do this every Sunday but, as a Regular, I KNEW BETTER. What is so difficult about putting up a sign to inform the PAID MEMBERS that something is going to change that they may not like??? The place is so disorganized even the lifeguards didn't know what was going on (not that they do, as a rule). FYI, I like Backfloat Bob best when he takes up the cause.

So sometimes I'm a little shit that gets peeved by bullshit and even though Lover Boy says try not to give a shit I guess that's what makes him cool and me S.L.B. And thank you, Lover Boy, for swimming with Curry the Nitwit for me when they shut the lanes down. I appreciate it. I owe you 2 beers, at least, for that little favor.

Funk

I have 1753 songs, good for 5.1 days, taking up 10.94 GB of storage space in my music library. Why, then, does it seem like I'm listening to the same songs over and over again???

BECAUSE I AM. I have three shuffles that I use when I work out. Each one is a different color, with different tunes, that I choose from depending on my outfit, my workout, my mood, and whether or not it's working because I'm constantly forgetting to turn the stupid things off and running the batteries down.

According to my math, which is NOT reliable, I should have enough music to keep me mildly entertained for 48.96 workouts. That leaves 263.04 workouts/year when I'm listening to repeats. When I get to a point where all I'm doing is flipping through tunes until I get one that doesn't annoy me it's time to do something crazy. Like download Rihanna's latest album Talk Talk Talk.

Which I did. It's got a good beat, very funky, but the lyrics are totally teenage dork.

I always wonder what everyone else is listening to except for Buttface. She looks like she sleeps in her car. She listens to hip hop, REALLY LOUD, so I'm giving her a break because she must at least wish she was cool. One never knows what lurks inside those earbuds and other people's brains.

When I'm feeling kind of funky, and need a good workout so I can also smell funky like the teenagers that stalk the place on weekends, there's nothing like a few funkadelic tunes to get me going, but I'm definitely in a music funk.

OK yes, so I'll keep surfing and spending money on MP3s. What do YOU listen to? Any good suggestions???????????????????????????? HELP!!!

Doing Squat

Batman flies past me on the road again this week, in a bigger hurry than I am to get to the Y, where we will both arrive at least 5 minutes before it opens just to sit in the parking lot and listen to really loud music. Batman parks in handicap parking, finishes his smoke, then sits in the hot tub for an hour.

This is not a workout. THIS is called "doing squat".

Not to be confused with doing squats, which I've discovered are one of the best all around moves to help tone your body. If you do them right, your calves, hamstrings and gluteus maximus will be tight and toned, your core will get a workout, balance will improve and hormones will be released to help you build muscle.

Now I'm pretty sure it's the hormones that I'm liking because, to be honest, I always hated doing squats. Instead, I'm trying to get into it by humoring myself at the same time. Here are a few tips on doing them right and sticking to it so you get all the benefits without hurting yourself.

Do not perform squats if you have lower body injuries or lower back problems. Instead, go to Denny's and use the toilet without actually sitting down, which I highly recommend. Same exercise. Go more than once to get maximum benefit.

Stand with your legs just hip width apart, which, ladies, is about a fist width, not a foot or more. Keep your knees loose and your back straight. You look good, which will change in a moment when you start actually doing the squat, because I think they make you look foolish and rude.

Press your weight into your heels as you lower yourself, aiming to get your thighs as close to 90 degrees as possible, and making sure your knees don't project forward of your ankles. Listen to your ankles crack and try to stand up straight again without cracking up at the fact that you are pushing your heinie out at everyone behind you.

If you DID manage to stand up straight without throwing out your back, repeat 10 times. Sit down and try to look like what you just did was effortless. Text message a friend or tweet.

Now that you have the basic move down pat let's make it even MORE fun:

Add more weight. Use the Smith Machine or use barbells across your shoulders, or even held close to your chest. Grunt loudly at every opportunity. This helps build attitude as well as muscle. Do not use the Smith Machine if you don't know how to put the weights away when you're done.

Do plie squats holding a heavy weight at arms length down in front of you. This looks really strange and should get you at least a few sideways glances. Wink at yourself and try not to laugh.

Plie squat, then, at your lowest point, lift yourself up onto your toes and hold it for 10 seconds. Ow ow ow ow ow! (are we having fun yet???)

Hold the squat at the bottom for a count of 10. Try to stand up. Listen to your knees crack. If they both crack drink some water. Repeat.

Do squats with a ball against the wall, with or without weights, regular and plie. Try doing this on one leg. You now look like a squawking bird, which you will be tomorrow when you try to walk up stairs.

BONUS MOVE: If you put your fists on your waist and flap your arms at the same time you are doing squats it's REALLY fun if you can keep a straight face. Guaranteed to freak out nearby weirdos.

After 6 days you get a day off to do squat. Enjoy.

See you tomorrow!!!