Burning Calories

The question of the week is: How many calories do you burn by talking too much?

ANSWER: Not enough, so shut me up and lets get back to our workouts, shall we???

Everyone wants to enjoy the goodies offered up during the holidays, as well we should, and maybe even have a second helping of baklava, because it's delicious! We just need to relax about our weight, embrace the goodwill, and promise ourselves to freakin' STOP eating at some point before the end of March or we will look like Nerf footballs in our bathing suits come springtime.

Here are a few ways to burn off those extra calories - maybe you will find some of these suggestions very useful. Or not.

• Use a manual toothbrush instead of your electric one. Anything manual burns more calories.


• Toss and turn at night instead of sleeping easily. Turn your pillow over to the cool side as often as possible.


• Shift alot when driving, even if that means zipping around more than is legal. If you drive an automatic, change radio stations every time another ad comes on.


• Dry your hair with a blowdryer, standing up. This will burn at least 25 calories more than if you allow your hair to dry naturally.


• Whip the cream for your pies by hand instead of using a hand mixer. Not only will you burn extra calories but it will help tone your forearms.


• Don't stop swimming laps during your workout, even if your goggles are totally fogged up, your cap is slipping off the top of your pinhead, your suit is riding up your ass, and you desperatly need a drink of water to wash down the taste or chlorine in your mouth. Michael Phelps reportedly consumes 12,000 calories a day, so trust me on this tip.


• Don't use Pam before you roast your turkey. Scrubbing out the pan burns at least 250 calories if you combine both the exertion and the piss me off factor because you forgot to spray the stupid pan beforehand.


• Jump rope with Wonder Woman. You will get a great cardio workout and discover your knees.


• Shower in cold water. Trying to stay warm in order to shave your legs without razor burn will burn way more calories than a warm shower, and you will get a closer shave. I suggest you use shower stall #1 in the Ladies Locker Room to assist the process.

Happy Holidays, everyone. Wishing you good food and and good health. Uh, yes, pass the baklava.

Pushing Buttons

M&M and I were interrupted on the mats last week by a VERY good looking man who asked her to "activate" him. I'm sure it had something to do with that stupid FitLinks program but I was secretly tempted to offer to help out....

Pushing buttons can make stuff work for you, or they can just piss you off. Like those big blue handicap door buttons that the little kids love to push - very cute. Or the little reset buttons on the outlets and hairdryers that you often have to push in several different sequences until one magically makes it work (or not). Right now the hairdryers are both underpowered and they have buttons that offer either barely a poof of lukewarm air or are overpowered and really loud so I spend the day looking like Anna Rosanna Danna.

Is there a reason why the elevator buttons and arrival signal are so f&#kin loud?

I also sometimes wonder about the rusty "help" buttons near the whirlpool. Has anyone ever punched them? If I saw a dead guy in the steam room I think my screaming would be more effective than that button at drawing attention to the fact that there's a dead guy in the steam room. Does someone in that situation calmly think "Dead guy. I should press that help button"?

Toilet #2 in the ladies has a faulty handle. Time to get an automatic flush, Y Board, with a little button just in case. I hate using a used toilet.

So I'm finishing my run on the dreadmill on Saturday - ramped up to 6.4 and welcoming the end (NOT my demise, just finishing up my run). So I hit the PAUSE button and nothing happens. Hit it again. NOTHING. I'm slowed down and it keeps going. It's like a scene out of the Jetsons and I hit it again and it finally stops. Stupid buttons. Where are those new treadmills they are advertising on signs around the Fitness Center like a bad excuse for the fact that the new ones haven't yet arrived?

I'm still in my rental car - a Fiat 500 - very small and cute. It's a regular one little woman car, no doubt about it. It has a "sport" button on the console that the dude at Enterprise expertly pointed out to me in case I needed a little extra power. I think I'd like to have one of those buttons on my body somewhere.

Stefanaki has been pushing my buttons lately. I asked if his large bottle of Diet Pepsi was his key to a long life, and he responded by telling me that his secret is a "good attitude" and asked if I'd like some. Nice. This is part of a string of comments out of this guy lately that always seem to have a cut to them somewhere. I NEVER seem to have a good comeback. Next time he shares a lane with me maybe I'll keep quiet and just have a pee.

Lickity Split

It's amazing how fast I can get out of the locker room when Poison Ivy makes the scene. All week she's been cornering people to tell them about her new granddaughter, even though we've all heard her story several times just eavesdropping. I'm outta there, lickity split.

On Wednesday morning there were no free pool lanes until the guy I call Noodle said he was done and about crashed into Lover Boy making his way out across the lanes. I remarked about the fender bender. Mom thought I was calling Noodle by his pool name to his face! She had bumped into him twice with those stupid noodles of his doing laps and she said he didn't even notice. SO we have a name change - it's official - Noodle is now Fender Bender. I about split my side laughing.

Sharin' and Carin' (her fiance who now has his OWN pool name!) had a lovely party yesterday at their big new home. Sea Monkey asked me what HIS pool name was. EEK. In front of all those people AND his wife! I simply said "you don't have one yet". EEEEEK. (I lied - but I was caught!). Anyway, so today Lover Boy suggested "S'Monkey but I think I'd still have to explain it (he looks like those water creatures you used to be able to buy through the comic books depicted as cartoons where there was a king and queen and everyone had pot bellies and fins for feet swimming around the fishbowl but if you ever actually ordered them behind your mother's back you got a bag of dry worms that just turned the water brown, wiggled a bit, then died). So I'm splitting the difference and HIS new pool name is now "Spunky".

Sharing is okay but splitting lanes when you don't need to royally sucks. I agree that Wonder Woman shouldn't have to share a lane so that Evil Lifeguard can do laps instead of working the start of her shift. Evil Lifeguard's husband, whose pool name IS HIS NAME (he is so straight and weird), seems to think he, too, is very very important and always expects to get his own lane, but not the rest of us. I don't mean to split hairs but I AM MORE IMPORTANT. WW is a close second.

And splitting up is also awful. The Bethlehem Lurker and her husband Knee Jerker (again, a new pool name!) are getting a divorce and I'm so sad and worried about BL and her wonderful dogs. You can share with me anytime honey. I'm there for you. Just don't butterfly in my lane.

Little Things

I am little and I like little things, but not when it's apparently "Bring Your Awkward Teenager to the Y Day" and I have to deal with little people in the Fitness Center. The adolescents have yet to discover the wonders of a hot shower and underarm deoderant.

Here is a short list of little things that make a big difference in my life as a Gym Junkie. Maybe you can add a few of your own:

• Getting shower stall #4 (it has water pressure; the others in the Ladies all suck for some reason)


• The swimmer that made the big puddle by my locker actually cleaning it up


• Tables and chairs in the lobby (that was brilliant)


• Watching someone else actually clean off a mat (who cleans the stability balls???)


• Getting an entire BOX of books at the book sale on the last day for just $1.00 (and I work in a library - I am definitely insane)


• Free coffee


• Using Poison Ivy's locker just to be annoying


• Having a swim lane all to myself for the entire two miles


• Someone you know and like getting in the lap lane with you and protecting you from the big stinky fat guy that came in moments later


• Clarence (the angel) now watching over the hot tub with his little bottle of Ensure


• Being acknowledged by the staff (even when you are trying to tune everyone out)


• Someone smiling and holding the door for you even when their gym bag is twice the size of your already oversize gym bag


• Getting through your workout and nothing hurts (it will tomorrow)


• Having an extra bra and undies because you forgot yours, again


• Hooks in the Fitness Center for the resistence bands (what took them so long!? - hey, this was MY suggestion and someone actually listened - Woo Hoo!)


• Visiting TBB as she recovers from shoulder surgery to help her get better (I brought magazines - new ones, not stolen from the Fitness Center [they didn't have Vogue]) - she looks GREAT, as always

That's as nice as I can be in one blog entry. I WOULD like a few other little things: towel service, a locker to call my own (preferably large enough to hold all my shit), boxes of tissues strategically placed, and, while I'm at it, a pony.

I think I'm having a good day.