Being Cool

When you're 15 there is nothing more important in the whole wide world than being cool. If you aren't cool by the time you are in your late 40s then face it: YOU ARE NOT COOL.

Appearing bored does not mean you are cool. Wearing retro 70s clothes that are cut too low, too tight, and are too bright will not disguise the fact that you are not cool (and that you are over 40). Talking too much is not cool (best left to tedious drunks anyway).

What's with that old lady who wears her sunglasses in the pool? Let's call her PolarEyes. I don't think she is trying to be cool. Maybe she's ducking the paparazzi. Wearing sunglasses is usually cool but in her case it's just weird. Now, that big black dude that sits in the hot tub with his sunglasses on is totally cool. Never says a word but when he does he's really laid back and friendly.

I was working in my library with two salesmen awhile back and I asked politely if they would mind taking the stairs up a level. The one guys says to me "I worked out for an hour this morning on the Stairmaster," then smiled at me like he was so cool. Hey, way not cool. One of the Rules of Cool is never seem desperate. And the Stairmaster of all things??? Too silly for words.

Hey Guys: Totally not cool are cut-off sweatpants, really short shorts, white sport socks pulled up tight around your calves, long loose hair when working out, and making loud grunting noises when you are lifting weights, especially if it looks like you really shouldn't be having a problem lifting them (should I offer to help?). And honestly, try lifting the corners of your mouth for a change. Looking mean will not help if you are still trying to be cool.

For the last 10 days the pool temperature was way too warm. It was Not Cool. But today it was much better - cool and clean and deliciously quiet. And Adonis was there. I think he is cool. He wore black, was very mysterious, and even though I know he could have gone faster and further, he didn't overdo it. I may be a dork, but I feel my own personal coolness skyrocket just being around someone that cool.