Sure, there's nothing that feels quite as good as having a good shit, or being a good shit, but that's another blog altogether.
Today I want to explore the idea of being regular, or shall we say "being a regular", at the Y, in particular those of us who start our day there almost every day. We get up, get out, drive too fast in the dark, press our way in the front door, load our lockers, workout, shower, get ready for work, then commute to our respective paid positions without once coming to the realization that we actually did all that and didn't wake up. No, this lack of focus is not exactly getting us in shape for a swim across the English Channel, but still, we are "regular", which is a good thing.
Until something is amiss. And, as regulars, we notice the little things. We are a veritable fountain of useless knowledge about the way things work, should work, used to work, don't work, or never worked.
How many of you noticed, like Spinney, that the water cooler in the main hallway downstairs is alot warmer than the one upstairs??? How many of you ladies had a shower when you turned on the tap in sink #1 this week??? How many of you ladies stood in your own filth when shower stall #2 wasn't draining for a few days???
How many of you would like three lifeguards on the morning shift??? How many of you would like a vending machine for things you forgot, like deoderant or a razor??? How many of you think there should be blue emergency phones in the locker rooms??? How many of you think there should be informational posters in the fitness center on how to use the equipment???
How many of you remember when we could reposition the jets in the hot tub??? How many of you remember when the soap wasn't foamy??? How many of you remember when we could get hot water in the ladies shower stall #1??? How many of you would like candy bars in the vending machines in the lobby again???
Yes, I know, all this is little stuff and really stupid. The problem is we NOTICE, and unless WE TELL SOMEONE the powers that be may not know that things aren't working. So we must take it upon ourselves, as responsible members, to COMPLAIN/SUGGEST/INFORM/REQUEST/PROPOSE/RECOMMEND/ADVISE/BITCH (circle one), because chances are the irregulars won't and nothing would ever get done.
OK Lover Boy I admit I got a bit PISSED this morning when Coach closed down two of our lanes at 8:06 a.m. in the pool so the triathletes (most of which needed to lose 25 pounds, FYI, and they are NOT swimming the English Channel either) could do a practice run for next Sunday's indoor event. Coach tried to say they do this every Sunday but, as a Regular, I KNEW BETTER. What is so difficult about putting up a sign to inform the PAID MEMBERS that something is going to change that they may not like??? The place is so disorganized even the lifeguards didn't know what was going on (not that they do, as a rule). FYI, I like Backfloat Bob best when he takes up the cause.
So sometimes I'm a little shit that gets peeved by bullshit and even though Lover Boy says try not to give a shit I guess that's what makes him cool and me S.L.B. And thank you, Lover Boy, for swimming with Curry the Nitwit for me when they shut the lanes down. I appreciate it. I owe you 2 beers, at least, for that little favor.
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Funk
I have 1753 songs, good for 5.1 days, taking up 10.94 GB of storage space in my music library. Why, then, does it seem like I'm listening to the same songs over and over again???
BECAUSE I AM. I have three shuffles that I use when I work out. Each one is a different color, with different tunes, that I choose from depending on my outfit, my workout, my mood, and whether or not it's working because I'm constantly forgetting to turn the stupid things off and running the batteries down.
According to my math, which is NOT reliable, I should have enough music to keep me mildly entertained for 48.96 workouts. That leaves 263.04 workouts/year when I'm listening to repeats. When I get to a point where all I'm doing is flipping through tunes until I get one that doesn't annoy me it's time to do something crazy. Like download Rihanna's latest album Talk Talk Talk.
Which I did. It's got a good beat, very funky, but the lyrics are totally teenage dork.
I always wonder what everyone else is listening to except for Buttface. She looks like she sleeps in her car. She listens to hip hop, REALLY LOUD, so I'm giving her a break because she must at least wish she was cool. One never knows what lurks inside those earbuds and other people's brains.
When I'm feeling kind of funky, and need a good workout so I can also smell funky like the teenagers that stalk the place on weekends, there's nothing like a few funkadelic tunes to get me going, but I'm definitely in a music funk.
OK yes, so I'll keep surfing and spending money on MP3s. What do YOU listen to? Any good suggestions???????????????????????????? HELP!!!
BECAUSE I AM. I have three shuffles that I use when I work out. Each one is a different color, with different tunes, that I choose from depending on my outfit, my workout, my mood, and whether or not it's working because I'm constantly forgetting to turn the stupid things off and running the batteries down.
According to my math, which is NOT reliable, I should have enough music to keep me mildly entertained for 48.96 workouts. That leaves 263.04 workouts/year when I'm listening to repeats. When I get to a point where all I'm doing is flipping through tunes until I get one that doesn't annoy me it's time to do something crazy. Like download Rihanna's latest album Talk Talk Talk.
Which I did. It's got a good beat, very funky, but the lyrics are totally teenage dork.
I always wonder what everyone else is listening to except for Buttface. She looks like she sleeps in her car. She listens to hip hop, REALLY LOUD, so I'm giving her a break because she must at least wish she was cool. One never knows what lurks inside those earbuds and other people's brains.
When I'm feeling kind of funky, and need a good workout so I can also smell funky like the teenagers that stalk the place on weekends, there's nothing like a few funkadelic tunes to get me going, but I'm definitely in a music funk.
OK yes, so I'll keep surfing and spending money on MP3s. What do YOU listen to? Any good suggestions???????????????????????????? HELP!!!
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Doing Squat
Batman flies past me on the road again this week, in a bigger hurry than I am to get to the Y, where we will both arrive at least 5 minutes before it opens just to sit in the parking lot and listen to really loud music. Batman parks in handicap parking, finishes his smoke, then sits in the hot tub for an hour.
This is not a workout. THIS is called "doing squat".
Not to be confused with doing squats, which I've discovered are one of the best all around moves to help tone your body. If you do them right, your calves, hamstrings and gluteus maximus will be tight and toned, your core will get a workout, balance will improve and hormones will be released to help you build muscle.
Now I'm pretty sure it's the hormones that I'm liking because, to be honest, I always hated doing squats. Instead, I'm trying to get into it by humoring myself at the same time. Here are a few tips on doing them right and sticking to it so you get all the benefits without hurting yourself.
Now that you have the basic move down pat let's make it even MORE fun:
BONUS MOVE: If you put your fists on your waist and flap your arms at the same time you are doing squats it's REALLY fun if you can keep a straight face. Guaranteed to freak out nearby weirdos.
After 6 days you get a day off to do squat. Enjoy.
See you tomorrow!!!
This is not a workout. THIS is called "doing squat".
Not to be confused with doing squats, which I've discovered are one of the best all around moves to help tone your body. If you do them right, your calves, hamstrings and gluteus maximus will be tight and toned, your core will get a workout, balance will improve and hormones will be released to help you build muscle.
Now I'm pretty sure it's the hormones that I'm liking because, to be honest, I always hated doing squats. Instead, I'm trying to get into it by humoring myself at the same time. Here are a few tips on doing them right and sticking to it so you get all the benefits without hurting yourself.
Do not perform squats if you have lower body injuries or lower back problems. Instead, go to Denny's and use the toilet without actually sitting down, which I highly recommend. Same exercise. Go more than once to get maximum benefit.
Stand with your legs just hip width apart, which, ladies, is about a fist width, not a foot or more. Keep your knees loose and your back straight. You look good, which will change in a moment when you start actually doing the squat, because I think they make you look foolish and rude.
Press your weight into your heels as you lower yourself, aiming to get your thighs as close to 90 degrees as possible, and making sure your knees don't project forward of your ankles. Listen to your ankles crack and try to stand up straight again without cracking up at the fact that you are pushing your heinie out at everyone behind you.
If you DID manage to stand up straight without throwing out your back, repeat 10 times. Sit down and try to look like what you just did was effortless. Text message a friend or tweet.
Now that you have the basic move down pat let's make it even MORE fun:
Add more weight. Use the Smith Machine or use barbells across your shoulders, or even held close to your chest. Grunt loudly at every opportunity. This helps build attitude as well as muscle. Do not use the Smith Machine if you don't know how to put the weights away when you're done.
Do plie squats holding a heavy weight at arms length down in front of you. This looks really strange and should get you at least a few sideways glances. Wink at yourself and try not to laugh.
Plie squat, then, at your lowest point, lift yourself up onto your toes and hold it for 10 seconds. Ow ow ow ow ow! (are we having fun yet???)
Hold the squat at the bottom for a count of 10. Try to stand up. Listen to your knees crack. If they both crack drink some water. Repeat.
Do squats with a ball against the wall, with or without weights, regular and plie. Try doing this on one leg. You now look like a squawking bird, which you will be tomorrow when you try to walk up stairs.
BONUS MOVE: If you put your fists on your waist and flap your arms at the same time you are doing squats it's REALLY fun if you can keep a straight face. Guaranteed to freak out nearby weirdos.
After 6 days you get a day off to do squat. Enjoy.
See you tomorrow!!!
Saturday, February 25, 2012
What's New???
I'm back at the Y catching up on the gossip and trying to catch my breath again after fighting this cold for the past week or more. Sometimes I'm speechless.
Not because I'm shocked by what I hear! Oh no, this blog and the gossip aren't THAT good. It's just that my brain is still addled and my nose is still stuffed, so my response to most things is to stare at people with my mouth hanging open wishing I had a tissue. It's VERY attractive.
But the sales are good so the gals have been showing up with new clothes - always fun to show off and brag about all the money we saved spending money! I got a great new pair of Pikolino boots at Little Bug's inventory sale last week. I LOVE them, they are very cool, and they take attention away from my head so my red nose is less obvious. I also went to Penny's on Friday and they had coats on sale for $10.00. BUY TWO. I did. Blue Towel was showing off pants from Talbot's Outlet - $10.00 each. BUY TWO. She did. But the best was Puppy Sweet Cheek's new Genie Bra, which she modeled for us very professionally in the locker room this week. $10.00 at WalMart. Too bad she had to cover it with a shirt. It was soft and lovely. Yes, boys, DROOL. The ladies can stare at each other's chests without even thinking there might be tits under there.
I've set the bar pretty low this week as far as my workouts are concerned. I tried my first jog on the dreadmill on Thursday and all I could think was "WOW nothing hurts." Not "WOW what a great run." Maybe my bod needed a break. But I'm getting stronger and I actually had a nice converation with Tinkerbell this morning, including words and everything. We are both looking forward to biking outside again. And it won't be long. My tulips are starting to come up in the garden. Spring is coming and everything will feel new again, and I look forward to actually being able to smell the roses.
Not because I'm shocked by what I hear! Oh no, this blog and the gossip aren't THAT good. It's just that my brain is still addled and my nose is still stuffed, so my response to most things is to stare at people with my mouth hanging open wishing I had a tissue. It's VERY attractive.
But the sales are good so the gals have been showing up with new clothes - always fun to show off and brag about all the money we saved spending money! I got a great new pair of Pikolino boots at Little Bug's inventory sale last week. I LOVE them, they are very cool, and they take attention away from my head so my red nose is less obvious. I also went to Penny's on Friday and they had coats on sale for $10.00. BUY TWO. I did. Blue Towel was showing off pants from Talbot's Outlet - $10.00 each. BUY TWO. She did. But the best was Puppy Sweet Cheek's new Genie Bra, which she modeled for us very professionally in the locker room this week. $10.00 at WalMart. Too bad she had to cover it with a shirt. It was soft and lovely. Yes, boys, DROOL. The ladies can stare at each other's chests without even thinking there might be tits under there.
I've set the bar pretty low this week as far as my workouts are concerned. I tried my first jog on the dreadmill on Thursday and all I could think was "WOW nothing hurts." Not "WOW what a great run." Maybe my bod needed a break. But I'm getting stronger and I actually had a nice converation with Tinkerbell this morning, including words and everything. We are both looking forward to biking outside again. And it won't be long. My tulips are starting to come up in the garden. Spring is coming and everything will feel new again, and I look forward to actually being able to smell the roses.
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Bugs
I've been sick since early last week fighting a stupid cold/sinus infection. I can't remember smooching Wonder Woman, but I'm pretty sure I have the same bug she had.
There are guidelines about not sharing bugs at the Y, which is where I no doubt picked this one up, since I have no place else to go.
Here are just a few:
1. Cover your nose when you sneeze or cough. Then wash your hands or use that antibacterial goo conveniently located throughout the building. I mentioned to Captain Underpants in the hot tub a few weeks ago that he had a big booger hanging out of his nose. He thanked me, wiped it off and then rinsed his hand off in the water. I said "Yuck" - then qualified my comment with "What are friends for???" I think he likes me now.
2. Stay out of the pool if you are sick. Note this is just a guideline. Not blowing spit and snot into the pool are RULES, something I am sure to find a chance to point out to The Spitter someday soon because apparently pointing out this sort of transgression comes easily to a bitch like me.
3. Wash your hands after you use the loo. There's one older lady who always wears her swimming gloves when she pees. Does she use T.P.??? I wonder. Yuck just thinking about it.
4. Wipe down the machines before and after use. According to my sources apparently Number 1 did NOT wipe down his treadmill yesterday after working up a good sweat. Yuck again.
5. Wipe down the mats AND the stability ball after use, especially if you are sneezing and coughing or you've had the ball between your legs. One guy jumped onto my mat yesterday when I went to put equipment away between sets. If he gets my cold tough noogies. He could have used the other mat which did NOT have my territorial markers sitting on it (read: water bottle, yellow bag, stretching band, towel, etc.).
I missed a few days of work and workouts but I was back this weekend doing my best to burn off a few calories and work out the kinks without falling over. I think I'm feeling better but Wonder Woman did point out that it could be a couple of weeks before I kick this bug completely. NOTE TO SELF: Invest in Kleenex.
But I am doing my best to keep my symptoms under control so I wouldn't be shunned by others just as concerned with bugs as I can be (although maybe if I did some horking I'd get a bit more room in front of the mirrors when I'm lifting weights).
FYI: I will be taking a few more days off before I get back into swimming. You're welcome.
There are guidelines about not sharing bugs at the Y, which is where I no doubt picked this one up, since I have no place else to go.
Here are just a few:
1. Cover your nose when you sneeze or cough. Then wash your hands or use that antibacterial goo conveniently located throughout the building. I mentioned to Captain Underpants in the hot tub a few weeks ago that he had a big booger hanging out of his nose. He thanked me, wiped it off and then rinsed his hand off in the water. I said "Yuck" - then qualified my comment with "What are friends for???" I think he likes me now.
2. Stay out of the pool if you are sick. Note this is just a guideline. Not blowing spit and snot into the pool are RULES, something I am sure to find a chance to point out to The Spitter someday soon because apparently pointing out this sort of transgression comes easily to a bitch like me.
3. Wash your hands after you use the loo. There's one older lady who always wears her swimming gloves when she pees. Does she use T.P.??? I wonder. Yuck just thinking about it.
4. Wipe down the machines before and after use. According to my sources apparently Number 1 did NOT wipe down his treadmill yesterday after working up a good sweat. Yuck again.
5. Wipe down the mats AND the stability ball after use, especially if you are sneezing and coughing or you've had the ball between your legs. One guy jumped onto my mat yesterday when I went to put equipment away between sets. If he gets my cold tough noogies. He could have used the other mat which did NOT have my territorial markers sitting on it (read: water bottle, yellow bag, stretching band, towel, etc.).
I missed a few days of work and workouts but I was back this weekend doing my best to burn off a few calories and work out the kinks without falling over. I think I'm feeling better but Wonder Woman did point out that it could be a couple of weeks before I kick this bug completely. NOTE TO SELF: Invest in Kleenex.
But I am doing my best to keep my symptoms under control so I wouldn't be shunned by others just as concerned with bugs as I can be (although maybe if I did some horking I'd get a bit more room in front of the mirrors when I'm lifting weights).
FYI: I will be taking a few more days off before I get back into swimming. You're welcome.
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Sexercise
Anything with the word "sex" in it is bound to up my page views this week.
So I read this crazy article about a sexpert at Indiana University describing women as having exercise induced orgasms. Spinning bikes, the Princess Chair, and chin-ups bars were cited as the most common (and soon to be the most popular) pieces of equipment for women to get off on. Next time you see me doing 50 crunches you might even guess I'm trying for a "coregasm".
NOT. In all my years of over the top workouts I have always enjoyed myself, but not that much. It's more likely that many of us 5:00 a.m. gals are staying away from what's home in bed, and wearing ourselves out so we have an excuse for later. However, if you hear me moan it may be pleasure for a change, not the usual back spasm or knee tweak or shoulder ache. If you hear ANY woman moan during her workout, from now on, I suggest that you NOT ask if everything's okay. You may get an answer you really don't want to hear.
Today the pool was really busy. I got to swim alone for awhile (pleasure there), but I had to share my lane through most of the rest of my 80 laps. At least we didn't have to do circles (although that might be a turn on, who knows). Anyway, I described myself to Sharin' as a "pool slut", because I had had multiple partners (five? six? but who's counting) during the time I was swimming. None of them were even cute like the guy that got in next to the wall with her.
We work out for any number of reasons: to look good, to feel good, to keep from turning into a blotto, to have fun, to feel better about life, and to get the workout buzz. We may also be working out because we can't sleep, we're stressed to the max, our partners are just a constant piss-off, we have no friends and no life, and we are turning into zombies so we just get up in the morning and go because we need brains.
Some come to the gym mostly to socialize and Won't Shut Up. I think in the two hours I was in the pool Stefanaki did 5 laps because he was yakking up anyone that would listen, and I didn't want to. I finally said: "I'm a Librarian. Do I need to shush your ass???" (I did, but I didn't). I changed lanes for yet another partner.
But then I got the lane to myself again as I finished up, which felt good. Nothing over the top, nope, no chlorine scented, bubbly, half naked, wild wet sensations there, just the usual happy tired now I'm starved kind of high. Uh, starved for food, that is. Don't get any funny ideas.
So I read this crazy article about a sexpert at Indiana University describing women as having exercise induced orgasms. Spinning bikes, the Princess Chair, and chin-ups bars were cited as the most common (and soon to be the most popular) pieces of equipment for women to get off on. Next time you see me doing 50 crunches you might even guess I'm trying for a "coregasm".
NOT. In all my years of over the top workouts I have always enjoyed myself, but not that much. It's more likely that many of us 5:00 a.m. gals are staying away from what's home in bed, and wearing ourselves out so we have an excuse for later. However, if you hear me moan it may be pleasure for a change, not the usual back spasm or knee tweak or shoulder ache. If you hear ANY woman moan during her workout, from now on, I suggest that you NOT ask if everything's okay. You may get an answer you really don't want to hear.
Today the pool was really busy. I got to swim alone for awhile (pleasure there), but I had to share my lane through most of the rest of my 80 laps. At least we didn't have to do circles (although that might be a turn on, who knows). Anyway, I described myself to Sharin' as a "pool slut", because I had had multiple partners (five? six? but who's counting) during the time I was swimming. None of them were even cute like the guy that got in next to the wall with her.
We work out for any number of reasons: to look good, to feel good, to keep from turning into a blotto, to have fun, to feel better about life, and to get the workout buzz. We may also be working out because we can't sleep, we're stressed to the max, our partners are just a constant piss-off, we have no friends and no life, and we are turning into zombies so we just get up in the morning and go because we need brains.
Some come to the gym mostly to socialize and Won't Shut Up. I think in the two hours I was in the pool Stefanaki did 5 laps because he was yakking up anyone that would listen, and I didn't want to. I finally said: "I'm a Librarian. Do I need to shush your ass???" (I did, but I didn't). I changed lanes for yet another partner.
But then I got the lane to myself again as I finished up, which felt good. Nothing over the top, nope, no chlorine scented, bubbly, half naked, wild wet sensations there, just the usual happy tired now I'm starved kind of high. Uh, starved for food, that is. Don't get any funny ideas.
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Repeat
According to recent research from Columbia University, active, educated women are drinking more than ever. Three out of three girlgymjunkies agree.
We also agree that we would probably lose the weight we want to lose in record time if we didn't actually NEED those drinks. ROUTINE: I start at 5:00 a.m. and work out for at least two hours in a race against time (surely I'm not as old as I look), work all day M-F (doing all that I can to prove my worth and stay ahead of the curve - no stress there!), without a banana break like Evil Lifeguard seems to need every 1.25 hours or so, walk back out to my car, strip off the bra, take off the heels, race home just LOVIN' traffic and rush hour asshole drivers, stopping of course to run errands but keeping the economy running so shopping is a good thing, regrouping for the next day (clean out gym gear, e.g., hang up wet towels and bathing suit, air out ditty bag, recharge shuffle, replace emergency socks with new ones), then lay out very professional clothing for work trying not to forget the socks again, reset alarms, wipe lip gloss off the rim of water bottle and refill, get fresh gear together for whatever workout is planned for the morning, and then pour myself a goblet of white wine and STOP MOVING for almost 5 whole minutes, albeit not sitting down (yet). Then pour my second goblet, trying to forget the world outside and just relax a bit before setting up the coffee, making a highly nutritious breakfast and lunch to pack along for tomorrow, adding chocolate just in case someone pisses me off and I NEED a treat, cooking dinner, setting a table, finishing the wine, vowing not to drink this much again tomorrow because I am NOT going to lose weight this way, finally sitting down and barely eating because I'm exhausted from a long day and wine, and passing out on the couch.
Repeat until Friday then "sleep in" on Saturday because the Y doesn't open until 7:00, then push a three hour workout because I have no life. Eat a huge breakfast because I am starved. Nap. Drink. Eat dinner. Blog. Sleep, hopefully without waking up six times because of the hot flashes and excess use of alcohol.
T.B.B. is back trying to get her stupid shoulder working again and I think she is a TROOPER. Okay so she thinks she needs to lose a few pounds but GAWD if I looked like her I'd be happier than a pig in shit. I haven't lost an ounce, though like most gals, I would like to lose at least a few pounds before "bikini season". I tell the men when they complain about needing to go on a diet to remember bikini season; I think they think I'm weird.
At least I don't think I'm clinically depressed, and I think I'm keeping life's usual anxieties under some sort of control, although I still have no patience for lousy drivers. OK Cookie: pass the rum.
Monday. Repeat.
We also agree that we would probably lose the weight we want to lose in record time if we didn't actually NEED those drinks. ROUTINE: I start at 5:00 a.m. and work out for at least two hours in a race against time (surely I'm not as old as I look), work all day M-F (doing all that I can to prove my worth and stay ahead of the curve - no stress there!), without a banana break like Evil Lifeguard seems to need every 1.25 hours or so, walk back out to my car, strip off the bra, take off the heels, race home just LOVIN' traffic and rush hour asshole drivers, stopping of course to run errands but keeping the economy running so shopping is a good thing, regrouping for the next day (clean out gym gear, e.g., hang up wet towels and bathing suit, air out ditty bag, recharge shuffle, replace emergency socks with new ones), then lay out very professional clothing for work trying not to forget the socks again, reset alarms, wipe lip gloss off the rim of water bottle and refill, get fresh gear together for whatever workout is planned for the morning, and then pour myself a goblet of white wine and STOP MOVING for almost 5 whole minutes, albeit not sitting down (yet). Then pour my second goblet, trying to forget the world outside and just relax a bit before setting up the coffee, making a highly nutritious breakfast and lunch to pack along for tomorrow, adding chocolate just in case someone pisses me off and I NEED a treat, cooking dinner, setting a table, finishing the wine, vowing not to drink this much again tomorrow because I am NOT going to lose weight this way, finally sitting down and barely eating because I'm exhausted from a long day and wine, and passing out on the couch.
Repeat until Friday then "sleep in" on Saturday because the Y doesn't open until 7:00, then push a three hour workout because I have no life. Eat a huge breakfast because I am starved. Nap. Drink. Eat dinner. Blog. Sleep, hopefully without waking up six times because of the hot flashes and excess use of alcohol.
T.B.B. is back trying to get her stupid shoulder working again and I think she is a TROOPER. Okay so she thinks she needs to lose a few pounds but GAWD if I looked like her I'd be happier than a pig in shit. I haven't lost an ounce, though like most gals, I would like to lose at least a few pounds before "bikini season". I tell the men when they complain about needing to go on a diet to remember bikini season; I think they think I'm weird.
At least I don't think I'm clinically depressed, and I think I'm keeping life's usual anxieties under some sort of control, although I still have no patience for lousy drivers. OK Cookie: pass the rum.
Monday. Repeat.
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