Yak Yak Yak

We share stories of our collective vacations because most of us can't afford to go anywhere unless it's online and on a student budget. After a period of noticeable absence, friends return to their routine at the Y with tans, wounds, an extra 5 pounds, or all of the above. Where have you been? Tell me all about it (in 2 minutes or less please)!

I am VERY protective of my workout time because I haven't yet figured out that my friends are more important than thin thighs. So, you go away someplace COOL like Alaska and you come back just aching for a solid routine at the gym and your time gets eaten up by CONVERSATION. I have no idea why I can't chill. However, last week Peanut and I had a great chat in the parking lot when we should have been rushing off somewhere with many important tasks to perform and just enjoyed a beautiful cool morning break together as "pals". Peanut is wonderful. If I ever grow up I'm going to be just like her.

The weather has been unpredictable and I miss the early morning light. I went running twice last week before the sun came up and it was weird not being able to see my feet, or the road, or sticks and debris, or dead skunks. I like the cooler weather but the shorter days are upon us so it's time to adjust my brain and rethink the workout. I had a great bike ride on Sunday and I admit that starting out at 7:30 instead of 5:00 was kinda nice. However, more cars suck.

The Y has been quieter than usual the past week or so and I'm loving it. The pool and fitness center are pretty empty and I can do my thing without having to worry about others. Please go on vacation or just go away if you can. Good for the soul and great for those of us left behind. And if you've been someplace cool or have traveled please do tell, because after my visit to AK I'm broke so I'd appreciate sharing stories. XXX

My Trip to Alaska

I showed up clean in Anchorage, makeupped, tank topped and smelling of deoderant. I returned to NY exactly the opposite. It was good.

Alaska is no candy ass place. A city girl like me has to adjust to the hippie thing, the wet cold windy weather thing, the moose and bear and lynx thing, the mosquitos the size of bats thing and the swarms of biting flies and smell o' repellent thing, the rutted dirt road thing, the hunting and fishing thing, and the breathtaking view thing. I can't say what took the most effort to embrace but I think it was the idea that if I decided to go for a run in the morning I needed to take bear spray with me. As you might have guessed I did not run, but we did do some fantastic backcountry hiking and saw lots of bear shit.

We saw lots of wildlife but no bears. Speaking of wildlife - the hippies all wear mismatched oversized clothes and boots and hats and jackets all the time and have long hair and beards (so do the girls) and don't bathe BECAUSE IT'S PRACTICAL! Oh get off it. That's like saying we wear high heels in the city BECAUSE IT'S PRACTICAL. It's ALL about fashion, even in the bush - trust me. One day it was 70 degrees and the girls still wore their hats. But maybe that's because they all have lice.

I ate huckleberries and watermelon berries in the woods, unwashed, without packaging. I ate freshly picked oysters. I drank good local beers. We biked and hiked and drove about and toured and had a great time. All this despite the runs from the oysters and berries and beer, the fall off my bike and the resulting bad cut on my leg, and having my shoulder bag stolen from the car by bad people who broke the window and damaged the vehicle to get at it (estimated damage: $2400). There was nothing in the bag of real value if you are in Alaska: tweezers (which I quickly replaced), a few ditties including the perfume I had come to rely on to repel smells (mine and others)(also quickly replaced), tissues (which can be VERY useful in the bush, at least for some of us), gum (which can help cover the stink of beer and fish) and a comb (apparently not needed in Alaska). So I guess I got lucky, except for the guilt trip. What idiot city girl leaves a shoulder bag in a car, in plain sight???

I'm home trying to get my brother's dog's hair off everything. The weather is warm. I'm back at the Y where I belong. It is all good.

THIS WEEK IN THE NEWS: It's hot (in case you didn't notice)

Mum, the first underarm deoderant, was apparently invented in 1888 by an unknown saint from Philadelphia. This gift has allayed the delicate sensibilities of many many generations of gnats, the only living creature out there besides the crazy workout junkies who insist on exercising outside in 100 degree temperatures.

It's been in the high 90s with a "heat index" over 100 degrees since early in the week. A "heat index" is what the temperature "feels like" when you leave the AC and walk out to your car. You should allow it to cool while you fry eggs on the hood, because one tip says not to run your oven as one way to stay cool, unless, of course, you are an idiot like me. Anyway, eat them up quickly because, according to my sources, they will become contaminated quickly from the heat if they are left out for too long.

There are many ways to stay cool during a heat wave. I think there are hundreds of sites out there all offering up the same anti-hot tips over and over and over again, so I'm going to offer up some alternatives which I'm sure you will find helpful.

1. Stay young. Or just stay immature. Old people don't handle the heat as well as the young.
2. Be thin. Fat people also suffer more when the temperatures soar. If you are already overweight don't sweat it. Eat some ice cream to cool down.
3. Stay at work. Work on Saturdays and Sundays as well. BONUS: The AC at work is free.
4. Drink light beer when you are tanning poolside or on the beach. Drink standing up so you know when you are ready to pass out. Please pee in the toilets provided.
5. Don't take salt tablets. I recommend Doritos or Cheez Doodles if you want a snack with the 18 glasses of water you need to rehydrate after running outside anyway.
6. Wear a hat, but one with some style so you don't look like an idiot standing in the sun in the middle of the day.

And, if you are prone to migranes, I recommend avoiding high heels.

I'm off to Alaska tomorrow and hope to pet a polar bear tummy. Please stay cool. I'll be thinking of you as I run at 3:00 a.m. when the sun is just coming up.

Faded Signs

I turned 50 last week and I've suddenly become very aware of faded signs. I can give in or fight back. It might surprise you but I think I'll get feisty instead of cool.

OK there are THREE, count them, THREE handmade "team" signs bedecking the pool deck. I assume these are meant to boost spirits and connections among our valued youth, but they are OLD and faded, with names like Reynalyn and Lytistra, which to me sound like good prescriptions. Anyway, the Y has taken to writing over the signatory names because they have faded, with the effect that now they look even more dismal. SO - I'm going to bring in my markers and we are all going to sign our Pool Names to the signs! "S.L.B." "Peanut" "Lover Boy" "Wonder Woman" "Back Float Bob" "SugaCube" "Sharin'" "Puppy Sweet Cheeks" "Strawberry" "Spinney", etc.. I'm sure that once we've attacked they will HAVE to take the dusty things down.

Did anyone notice that for years and years the valued youth swim records on the big chart at the end of the pool never changed? That's because time stood still until I was approaching my 50th. Suddently they changed and I think life is accelerating, so please take some relax time to appreciate what we have. NOTE: There's a tie for first place in one category and the winners are: Fish, Rho.

Speaking of fish, what's with the inflatable fish and the fish-shaped kickboard hanging from the ceiling in the pool? I hope we can assume, like cleaning the hallway carpets every week, that they are cleaning the dusty fish as part of their regularly scheduled maintenance. Maybe that's what I need: a good deep clean and a brain dusting. I had a massage today. Everything did NOT hurt. It was good.

I guess stuff just starts to break down at some point. SugaCube and Peanut sang for me in the pool, with a minor synchronized swim act that was more than just a bit adorable, and I almost broke down and cried it was so sweet. Peanut said I'd crossed the line but I do NOT agree. PEANUT: I am ON the line. I swam an Ironman distance on my 50th just to prove I've still got it. Did it hurt later? I'll never tell....

But yes some things just don't work as well as they used to. We had a lifeguard faint and fall into the pool, and Shuffles slipped and fell and hit his head outside the steam room - he also needed an ambulance (both are fine - can they be fixed? I recommended sticky flip flips and a big glass of water before working/out; Mom - is it okay if I give advice?). Also, shower stall #1 never gets hot and there's no pressure. One of two sinks in the Children's Locker Room does not give forth water. The computer at the front desk wasn't working one morning this week so they just let all these people in without positive government issued ID. Sometimes I just don't feel comfy and safe and then I think "BE YOUNG", stop worry-warting and complaining and being your age! I did a 25 mile bike ride this morning with no helmet. It was SO ROCKIN.

So I will continue to push what I do, but I will also drink my strawberry flavored muscle milk, walk slowly across the pool deck, and adjust my rearview. Just to be on the safe side.

Second Hand Blog

A lot has happened at the Y during the time I was away. I appreciate many of you keeping me informed so we can get this blog going again. Second hand news may not be all true but that doesn't keep me from reporting on it.

Wonder Woman caught Poison Ivy getting into her locker last week. She did the confused old lady game to make it look like she wasn't doing anything wrong as she lurched away with her little handbag. I'm not sure what W.W. would have that a zombie would need - probably makeup, so please try to keep an eye on your makeup until we know what we're dealing with here.

JBF has taken to wearing just a sports bra in the fitness center. Let's just agree to agree she doesn't look all that shit hot in her tight bright spandex, but she no doubt thinks she does. We know this because Mom reported her pacing back and forth but not really doing anything, just doing the runway act. Maybe, like P.I., she too is a bit confused, but in this case it's probably from alcohol, which at least I can understand. Mom suggested that one day soon we should have Sports Bra Day and we'll ALL wear our sports bras and no top. I have a hot pink number that I'll save just for the occasion. I'll keep you posted on the exact date.

The Incredible Hunk suggested that I could blog about The Talker, but was informed that it's already been done. He was at the pool yesterday. He thinks my name is Sue. In less that one minute I was informed that he bought a new house so he's been working out at the Bethlehem Y and that's why we haven't seen him around in a while and that he's having his car serviced on Central Avenue that's why he was in Guilderland and swimming in our pool and that the water's too warm okay have a nice day. He NEVER smiles. How does anyone talk and only their mouth goes up and down like a puppet and the rest of their face doesn't move???

They refinished the floors in the gym - it's still not open. I am SO glad I missed the toxic stink this year. I'm also glad to see that they have been keeping the carpets clean. I think twice a week isn't nearly often enough, don't you???

The weather in the south is really really hot and humid. New Orleans smells like pee. I went running along the river early one morning along with a large brown rat, and we said hello to a few drunk gay guys who obviously hadn't been home all night. They didn't even blink at the talking rat.

Back to the present: I got caught running in the rain this morning, which I figured might happen, but the weather here is SO nice in comparison to NO. Later at the Y Wonder Woman told me they kicked everyone out of the pool because of thunderstorms. Back Float Bob was miffed that they also wouldn't let anyone in the sauna or steam room, so I suggested maybe they could just let the people we didn't like use it during the storm. Wonder Woman pointed out it's not nearly big enough to fit them all. (Maybe they could take turns)

I'm still detoxing from a week of good friends, too much food and way too many glasses of wine. The Gulf coast was awesome and being in the ocean was all good. It was all good, especially seeing my dear friend Peaches (not her real name). But it's sure nice to be home, too, and back at the Y where I belong.

A Recipe for Disaster

The healthy food choices on the bulletin board are SO lame. I often wonder at the people that stand there reading it like it's as interesting as the TV show they've been pretending to watch while working out on the elliptical machine. HELLO! If you eat more than you burn off and you eat crap you will get fat and you will feel like shit. 'Nuf said.

I love good food and I love to cook and read recipes and shop for ingredients and talk food with my workout buddies and swap recipes and ideas and tips about where to eat and how to cook stuff. I thought I'd share a recipe with you. It's potentially healthy!

DISASTER

About one hour to prepare. Feeds 8. Or it should.

INGREDIENTS
>1 Magnum cold white wine, preferably Chardonnay (something you would actually drink, which is probably just about anything with alcohol)
>8 to 10 ounces medium size pasta shells (any small shaped pasta will do; avoid anything that pretends to have fiber in it)
>5 slices of bacon
>3 tablespoons olive oil
>1 tablespoon butter (more if you are feeling particulary low today)
>1 large yellow onion, chopped (peeled, but maybe you knew that)
>1 large clove garlic, crushed (also peeled)
>1 small zucchini, cut in half lengthwise and then sliced 1/4" thick (or just cut up; it depends at this point how much wine you've had, and how much time you want to fuss with it)
>1 small broccoli floret, chopped (watch out for your fingers with that knife)
>8-10 cherry tomatoes
>1/2 can black beans, drained and rinsed (leftovers in the fridge sitting for less than 3 days are good in this recipe but if you can't remember how long they've been in there start with a fresh can; these have the fiber you didn't miss in the pasta)
>1/2 cup chopped flat leaf parsley (rinse it well unless you like sand in your food)
>1 1/2 cups whole milk yogurt whisked with 1/2 cup half and half
>Freshly ground black pepper to taste
>Parmesan for serving at the table
>3 ibuprofen


DIRECTIONS
This recipe is best if you work out for three hours or more, or until exhausted and almost starved.


1. Assemble all your ingredients. You will also need a large pot with a lid to cook the pasta in, and a large saucepan for the veggies with sauce.
2. Stare at everything while you drink a glass of wine and worry about your finances, marriage, job, or anything else that has you on edge.
3. Cook the bacon until crisp; drain on paper towels and crumble. Eat half. Drain off most of the fat from the pan. Add oil and butter to pan and heat over medium heat. Put a fresh bandaid on your finger.
4. Cook the pasta in plenty of water. I avoid salting it, preferring to salt my food heavily later when I can't taste anything anyway because I've been drinking wine, even knowing I'll wake up in the middle of the night really really thirsty from both the salt and the wine. Let the water come to a boil before you put the pasta in it. Stir well when you first put the pasta in so it doesn't stick together, even though you would probably eat it anyway, then again every few minutes or so. Don't cover the pot once you put the pasta in our it will boil over, but you can clean up the mess in the morning.
5. Meanwhile, pour another glass of wine and feed the cat. When this glass of wine is half empty and you aren't worried so much about your finances, marriage, etc. it's time to make the sauce. You can hold onto the counter if you feel a bit off balance.
6. Saute the onion and garlic in the now hot fat, taking care not to make a big mess by splattering it everywhere. Also avoid starting a fire. When the onion is soft add the zucchini and broccoli and tomatoes and continue to cook until tender. Add the reserved bacon, black beans, parsley, and yogurt mixture to the pan, reduce the heat and continue to cook until heated through.
7. Check the pasta, which you should have been stirring all along. It should be AL DENTE, named after a song and dance man from the 1930s, I think, but I'm not sure.
8. Finish that glass of wine and pour another. If you can get through the second glass the third is always easier. Set the table. If you are only one person you can eat on the floor in front of the TV.
9. Drain the pasta, add it back to its pot, then stir the veggies and sauce into it. Serve hot topped with fresh black pepper and parmesan cheese. And salt.
10. Eat half of what you made, including the whole garlic clove that you should have fished out of the sauce. Finish your wine, stack up the dirty dishes, and put the leftovers away (I wouldn't want you to forget).
11. Take the ibuprofen and get a big glass of water. Pass out, in bed if you can find your way. Wake up at 4:00 a.m. and go to the Y and then work all goddamn day.
12. Come home, drink the rest of the wine and eat all the remaining pasta dish. Don't forget to feed the cat. Do the dishes from last night and tonight, and clean up the mess on the stove. Go to bed and think about tomorrow's workout because you need it.

Body Language

If someone points their finger at their temple and swirls it around with respect to someone standing closeby that they hope isn't looking, do we all know what that means?

Just smile and nod if they do catch you gesturing. Acting friendly will keep the peace.

Last Sunday I almost swam headlong into a lady that got into my lap lane in the pool without letting me know first. Of course I was swimming down the middle knowing damn well there was someone looking to share. When she finally made her way to the shallow end after her first lap I was ready to splurt about pool etiquette. I just HAD to explain about letting the other swimmer/s know when you want to share, but it was VERY clear she didn't have a clue what I was saying. Totally Japanese or something and new to the Y but I was MAD. So I started gesticulating to make my point - I was MAD at the almost accident, and what did she do? She just smiled and nodded at me. Maybe, yes maybe, I'm the crazy??? Probably. Intolerant middle aged white bitch with an attitude. She probably interpreted my splurt as "Hi I'm going through menapause is it OK if I freak out Let's share."

TEST QUESTIONS

If I'm standing there looking patient while you frantically lift weights 2 inches from the mirror, do you know what that means?

YES, it means you are in the way. MOVE.

If you are driving 40 miles an hour through the stop sign in the parking lot and, as a pedestrian, I stop in the middle of the road to glare at you do you know what that means?

YES, Einstein, you are driving way too fucking fast in the parking lot.

If I fuss with my shuffle while you try to talk to me and I say HUH and still don't engage in conversation, do you know what that means?

YES, I'm in a bad mood or technologically challenged and I don't wanna chitchat.

If I stand on one foot with my head cocked to the side and jump up and down a few times, do we all know what that means?

YES, it means I have water in my ear.

Brilliant. It's subtle, but reading small gestures can hold great meaning.