No I'm NOT going to discuss the top 10 "ab" moves for a flatter belly in just 1 week, although 'tis the season. Core values go much, much deeper than that.
Do you know what the four "core values" are for the YMCA??? I'll give you a minute to think about it.
Give up??? If you go to the Y on the web because you feel the need to cheat before moving on in today's quiz, or you just can't remember all of those important core values that we should, as members, live by, you will note they are NOT high up and easy to find on the site, so I'll give you a few hints instead. Ready???
(1) CAR. If you tailgate someone for several miles with your giant headlights blazing into the other driver's rearview you are a bully. Instead of being kind and _________ you are driving like an obnoxious tit. The mistake is doing this early in the morning only to discover you are tailgating someone who is ALSO going to the Y. I called you on it, Boob Job, and believe me, you don't get your pool name for nothing.
(2) HON. When you want to appease another member and make them feel safe and welcome you radiate love and a sense of _____________. Otherwise you call them an f*(%$in' bitch and walk off. This is what Boob Job called me in return for me thoughtfully defining her driving style for her as we entered the Y on Black Friday morning. This, instead of apologizing and telling me what a rotten day she was having and admitting that despite appearances she can be a real tit. Not that I would have given a shit if she were having a bad morning, but seeing as my heart was racing from being freaked out from being tailgated (remembering, too, that I'm a bit antsy these days as I was just in a car accident last weekend) I would have at least just shunned her for awhile and we'd be even. Maybe you all can help me with that.
(3) SPEC. Everyone has the same right to the road and to work out without feeling threatened. If you treat everyone else like garbage instead of with _________ you are probably conceited, but who am I to judge. Some people really put the tit in attitude, if you know what I mean.
(4) LIT. This is the last core value - it might be a little harder to guess. If you are hot headed and you don't need to be lit to say it like it is I suggest maybe you need a little Valium to help get you through your day. If you make a mistake, no matter if it is at home, on the job, or in the lobby of the Y it is important that you take ______________ (HINT: this is not another word for Valium).
I don't know what it is about some people. I know, I CAN be a bitch, and I sometimes drive too fast, and I have been known to pick on more than a few who had it coming, and for all that I'm sorry - I accept responsibility for my actions and will do my best to make up for it by making everyone laugh if I can. Now, down and do 20 situps, 10 leg lifts, 3 miles on the dreadmill and give a word of thanks for all we have to be grateful for, including the amazing ability to gain three more pounds in four days and work out our aggressions by just working out. Life is good.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Surprise!
Life is full of surprises. Most of them I can do without.
SURPRISE! The Women's Locker Room is closed AGAIN for what must be the 100th time this month. For "Maintenance". What the f*%# is being fixed in there between 10:00 p.m. and 8:00a.m.??? Without my daily weigh-in I've successfully gained 3 pounds. SURPRISE! And this just before the holidays. Time again for the handy Thumbs Down.
SURPRISE! My hands got tangled up in some pool debris last week that can only be described as part hairball and part dead mouse with a dash of boogers. YUK YUK YUK. Lately it seems we have had a Band-Aid issue in the pool. Some of us must be drinking heavily and suffering mild to moderate wounds as a result (also known as UPI's - Unidentified Party Injuries), trying to disguise them with Band-Aids which almost immediately float off once we descend our chlorinated world. Cookie asked for a glove to retrieve one gross uckie last week. She's my November hero.
SURPRISE! It's "Member Appreciation Day" (November 15th) and again I did NOT win the big basket with all the foodie goodies in it. What a surprise.
SURPRISE! I did something bad to my middle toe trying to exit the whirlpool on Sunday morning last week and it was badly bruised and really swollen but not broken, thankfully, but what a setback - one week without being able to run has been a total drag. Even worse, no high heels for a week, but I've worked through this issue okay, thanks for your concern with regard to What Not To Wear.
SURPRISE! I went to Empire Wine today with my husband to stock up for the Thanksgiving holiday, along with half of the city. Just a quick trip. RIGHT. Until I got sideswiped just past the entrance to Home Depot on Washington Avenue on my way home. I didn't see it coming. Adrenaline Rush. Thankfully no one was hurt, which is a good thing. The JERK who was speeding and cut in too fast and almost forced me into the left lane admitted right off that he was at fault. Please note he was not an ASSHOLE about it - he did stick around until the Polizia finally showed up. But I'm vain about my car and since it's a short work week it's not very likely I'll get it fixed right away. And I got home OK the car is at least driveable AND I have lots of wine. Thank you God.
SURPRISE! KToo turned 50 on Friday. Blue Towel and I blew up 10 black balloons and put them in her lane in the pool while she was doing laps, and she left them all there, which was wonderful and very funny and everyone on the pool was smiling. We sang "Happy Birthday" for her in the CHILDRENS LOCKER ROOM (is that ironic?) and she got a $50 gift from all of us at The Hidden Cafe and the best part was she didn't see it coming. Getting old isn't nearly as bad as the guy that showed up during the balloon event wearing a spido that barely covered his pubies.
SURPRISE! I had total garlic breath on Friday morning from eating at The Hidden Cafe on Thursday night when I went to get KToo's gift. I hope she doesn't pop any of them. They are garlic balloons, potentially very deadly.
SURPRISE! The Women's Locker Room is closed AGAIN for what must be the 100th time this month. For "Maintenance". What the f*%# is being fixed in there between 10:00 p.m. and 8:00a.m.??? Without my daily weigh-in I've successfully gained 3 pounds. SURPRISE! And this just before the holidays. Time again for the handy Thumbs Down.
SURPRISE! My hands got tangled up in some pool debris last week that can only be described as part hairball and part dead mouse with a dash of boogers. YUK YUK YUK. Lately it seems we have had a Band-Aid issue in the pool. Some of us must be drinking heavily and suffering mild to moderate wounds as a result (also known as UPI's - Unidentified Party Injuries), trying to disguise them with Band-Aids which almost immediately float off once we descend our chlorinated world. Cookie asked for a glove to retrieve one gross uckie last week. She's my November hero.
SURPRISE! It's "Member Appreciation Day" (November 15th) and again I did NOT win the big basket with all the foodie goodies in it. What a surprise.
SURPRISE! I did something bad to my middle toe trying to exit the whirlpool on Sunday morning last week and it was badly bruised and really swollen but not broken, thankfully, but what a setback - one week without being able to run has been a total drag. Even worse, no high heels for a week, but I've worked through this issue okay, thanks for your concern with regard to What Not To Wear.
SURPRISE! I went to Empire Wine today with my husband to stock up for the Thanksgiving holiday, along with half of the city. Just a quick trip. RIGHT. Until I got sideswiped just past the entrance to Home Depot on Washington Avenue on my way home. I didn't see it coming. Adrenaline Rush. Thankfully no one was hurt, which is a good thing. The JERK who was speeding and cut in too fast and almost forced me into the left lane admitted right off that he was at fault. Please note he was not an ASSHOLE about it - he did stick around until the Polizia finally showed up. But I'm vain about my car and since it's a short work week it's not very likely I'll get it fixed right away. And I got home OK the car is at least driveable AND I have lots of wine. Thank you God.
SURPRISE! KToo turned 50 on Friday. Blue Towel and I blew up 10 black balloons and put them in her lane in the pool while she was doing laps, and she left them all there, which was wonderful and very funny and everyone on the pool was smiling. We sang "Happy Birthday" for her in the CHILDRENS LOCKER ROOM (is that ironic?) and she got a $50 gift from all of us at The Hidden Cafe and the best part was she didn't see it coming. Getting old isn't nearly as bad as the guy that showed up during the balloon event wearing a spido that barely covered his pubies.
SURPRISE! I had total garlic breath on Friday morning from eating at The Hidden Cafe on Thursday night when I went to get KToo's gift. I hope she doesn't pop any of them. They are garlic balloons, potentially very deadly.
Saturday, November 5, 2011
Getting Fitted
Throwing a fit is NOT the same as getting fit. Trust me on this. The dude that freaked out in a Gold's Gym earlier this week didn't get this salient point and died as a result.
There is a chance that "performance enhancers" (not to be confused with the other type, so popular with daytime TV ads) and "cocaine" (not to be confused with Diet Coke with Lime) had something to do with this young man's rage. Or it could simply be that another member PISSED HIM OFF. Please - I love you guys, so I want to recommend that if you see anyone that is probably NOT a zombie, has red eyes rolling around in his or her head, weighs over 200 pounds and has giant muscles, that you be nice. On the other hand, if they are small, think they're fit, piss you off just because they can, and are obviously an ASSHOLE (and/or you are menapausal and potentially dangerous), that you let me know. I'll be happy to take them down a notch using my trusty Miss Kitty Taser.
Also, I want to recommend wearing a swim suit that fits. Right now mine is so tight that I have to pull the back down over the bottom of my butt about 20 times per swim to cover that little piece that wants to hang out from under my suit (however, I know in a few weeks my bathing suit will start to dissolve and actually fit, so please ignore me). JOJ has a suit that only fits if he pulls it under his armpits. LCD (Little Chinese Dude) has a suit that threatens to get pulled off with the surf. Lover Boy looks good in his spido. He looks fit AND his suit fits. Point made.
Also also, what you wear when you work out is VERY likely to get you a "pool name" that you won't be happy with. For example, let's make fun of Mr. Glad, the man with the white hair who ALWAYS wears a white turtleneck on his long walk almost every goddamn day on the dreadmill and does nothing else besides (if you remember, assuming you are over 50, the Man From Glad is an older gentleman with white hair and is always dressed in a white suit). He had a fit this week, according to my sources, because the TV on "his" dreadmill wasn't working (much like many of the others). Of course using a different piece of equipment was not an option. Freakin' out was. A worthy adversary for sure during our morning commute - he no doubt screams and shouts at other cars and likes to cut people off in traffic, but this at least I can understand.
Get Fit in 2012. Or just get fitted into something that fits. Just don't have a fit. It might save your life.
There is a chance that "performance enhancers" (not to be confused with the other type, so popular with daytime TV ads) and "cocaine" (not to be confused with Diet Coke with Lime) had something to do with this young man's rage. Or it could simply be that another member PISSED HIM OFF. Please - I love you guys, so I want to recommend that if you see anyone that is probably NOT a zombie, has red eyes rolling around in his or her head, weighs over 200 pounds and has giant muscles, that you be nice. On the other hand, if they are small, think they're fit, piss you off just because they can, and are obviously an ASSHOLE (and/or you are menapausal and potentially dangerous), that you let me know. I'll be happy to take them down a notch using my trusty Miss Kitty Taser.
Also, I want to recommend wearing a swim suit that fits. Right now mine is so tight that I have to pull the back down over the bottom of my butt about 20 times per swim to cover that little piece that wants to hang out from under my suit (however, I know in a few weeks my bathing suit will start to dissolve and actually fit, so please ignore me). JOJ has a suit that only fits if he pulls it under his armpits. LCD (Little Chinese Dude) has a suit that threatens to get pulled off with the surf. Lover Boy looks good in his spido. He looks fit AND his suit fits. Point made.
Also also, what you wear when you work out is VERY likely to get you a "pool name" that you won't be happy with. For example, let's make fun of Mr. Glad, the man with the white hair who ALWAYS wears a white turtleneck on his long walk almost every goddamn day on the dreadmill and does nothing else besides (if you remember, assuming you are over 50, the Man From Glad is an older gentleman with white hair and is always dressed in a white suit). He had a fit this week, according to my sources, because the TV on "his" dreadmill wasn't working (much like many of the others). Of course using a different piece of equipment was not an option. Freakin' out was. A worthy adversary for sure during our morning commute - he no doubt screams and shouts at other cars and likes to cut people off in traffic, but this at least I can understand.
Get Fit in 2012. Or just get fitted into something that fits. Just don't have a fit. It might save your life.
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