Mum, the first underarm deoderant, was apparently invented in 1888 by an unknown saint from Philadelphia. This gift has allayed the delicate sensibilities of many many generations of gnats, the only living creature out there besides the crazy workout junkies who insist on exercising outside in 100 degree temperatures.
It's been in the high 90s with a "heat index" over 100 degrees since early in the week. A "heat index" is what the temperature "feels like" when you leave the AC and walk out to your car. You should allow it to cool while you fry eggs on the hood, because one tip says not to run your oven as one way to stay cool, unless, of course, you are an idiot like me. Anyway, eat them up quickly because, according to my sources, they will become contaminated quickly from the heat if they are left out for too long.
There are many ways to stay cool during a heat wave. I think there are hundreds of sites out there all offering up the same anti-hot tips over and over and over again, so I'm going to offer up some alternatives which I'm sure you will find helpful.
1. Stay young. Or just stay immature. Old people don't handle the heat as well as the young.
2. Be thin. Fat people also suffer more when the temperatures soar. If you are already overweight don't sweat it. Eat some ice cream to cool down.
3. Stay at work. Work on Saturdays and Sundays as well. BONUS: The AC at work is free.
4. Drink light beer when you are tanning poolside or on the beach. Drink standing up so you know when you are ready to pass out. Please pee in the toilets provided.
5. Don't take salt tablets. I recommend Doritos or Cheez Doodles if you want a snack with the 18 glasses of water you need to rehydrate after running outside anyway.
6. Wear a hat, but one with some style so you don't look like an idiot standing in the sun in the middle of the day.
And, if you are prone to migranes, I recommend avoiding high heels.
I'm off to Alaska tomorrow and hope to pet a polar bear tummy. Please stay cool. I'll be thinking of you as I run at 3:00 a.m. when the sun is just coming up.
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Faded Signs
I turned 50 last week and I've suddenly become very aware of faded signs. I can give in or fight back. It might surprise you but I think I'll get feisty instead of cool.
OK there are THREE, count them, THREE handmade "team" signs bedecking the pool deck. I assume these are meant to boost spirits and connections among our valued youth, but they are OLD and faded, with names like Reynalyn and Lytistra, which to me sound like good prescriptions. Anyway, the Y has taken to writing over the signatory names because they have faded, with the effect that now they look even more dismal. SO - I'm going to bring in my markers and we are all going to sign our Pool Names to the signs! "S.L.B." "Peanut" "Lover Boy" "Wonder Woman" "Back Float Bob" "SugaCube" "Sharin'" "Puppy Sweet Cheeks" "Strawberry" "Spinney", etc.. I'm sure that once we've attacked they will HAVE to take the dusty things down.
Did anyone notice that for years and years the valued youth swim records on the big chart at the end of the pool never changed? That's because time stood still until I was approaching my 50th. Suddently they changed and I think life is accelerating, so please take some relax time to appreciate what we have. NOTE: There's a tie for first place in one category and the winners are: Fish, Rho.
Speaking of fish, what's with the inflatable fish and the fish-shaped kickboard hanging from the ceiling in the pool? I hope we can assume, like cleaning the hallway carpets every week, that they are cleaning the dusty fish as part of their regularly scheduled maintenance. Maybe that's what I need: a good deep clean and a brain dusting. I had a massage today. Everything did NOT hurt. It was good.
I guess stuff just starts to break down at some point. SugaCube and Peanut sang for me in the pool, with a minor synchronized swim act that was more than just a bit adorable, and I almost broke down and cried it was so sweet. Peanut said I'd crossed the line but I do NOT agree. PEANUT: I am ON the line. I swam an Ironman distance on my 50th just to prove I've still got it. Did it hurt later? I'll never tell....
But yes some things just don't work as well as they used to. We had a lifeguard faint and fall into the pool, and Shuffles slipped and fell and hit his head outside the steam room - he also needed an ambulance (both are fine - can they be fixed? I recommended sticky flip flips and a big glass of water before working/out; Mom - is it okay if I give advice?). Also, shower stall #1 never gets hot and there's no pressure. One of two sinks in the Children's Locker Room does not give forth water. The computer at the front desk wasn't working one morning this week so they just let all these people in without positive government issued ID. Sometimes I just don't feel comfy and safe and then I think "BE YOUNG", stop worry-warting and complaining and being your age! I did a 25 mile bike ride this morning with no helmet. It was SO ROCKIN.
So I will continue to push what I do, but I will also drink my strawberry flavored muscle milk, walk slowly across the pool deck, and adjust my rearview. Just to be on the safe side.
OK there are THREE, count them, THREE handmade "team" signs bedecking the pool deck. I assume these are meant to boost spirits and connections among our valued youth, but they are OLD and faded, with names like Reynalyn and Lytistra, which to me sound like good prescriptions. Anyway, the Y has taken to writing over the signatory names because they have faded, with the effect that now they look even more dismal. SO - I'm going to bring in my markers and we are all going to sign our Pool Names to the signs! "S.L.B." "Peanut" "Lover Boy" "Wonder Woman" "Back Float Bob" "SugaCube" "Sharin'" "Puppy Sweet Cheeks" "Strawberry" "Spinney", etc.. I'm sure that once we've attacked they will HAVE to take the dusty things down.
Did anyone notice that for years and years the valued youth swim records on the big chart at the end of the pool never changed? That's because time stood still until I was approaching my 50th. Suddently they changed and I think life is accelerating, so please take some relax time to appreciate what we have. NOTE: There's a tie for first place in one category and the winners are: Fish, Rho.
Speaking of fish, what's with the inflatable fish and the fish-shaped kickboard hanging from the ceiling in the pool? I hope we can assume, like cleaning the hallway carpets every week, that they are cleaning the dusty fish as part of their regularly scheduled maintenance. Maybe that's what I need: a good deep clean and a brain dusting. I had a massage today. Everything did NOT hurt. It was good.
I guess stuff just starts to break down at some point. SugaCube and Peanut sang for me in the pool, with a minor synchronized swim act that was more than just a bit adorable, and I almost broke down and cried it was so sweet. Peanut said I'd crossed the line but I do NOT agree. PEANUT: I am ON the line. I swam an Ironman distance on my 50th just to prove I've still got it. Did it hurt later? I'll never tell....
But yes some things just don't work as well as they used to. We had a lifeguard faint and fall into the pool, and Shuffles slipped and fell and hit his head outside the steam room - he also needed an ambulance (both are fine - can they be fixed? I recommended sticky flip flips and a big glass of water before working/out; Mom - is it okay if I give advice?). Also, shower stall #1 never gets hot and there's no pressure. One of two sinks in the Children's Locker Room does not give forth water. The computer at the front desk wasn't working one morning this week so they just let all these people in without positive government issued ID. Sometimes I just don't feel comfy and safe and then I think "BE YOUNG", stop worry-warting and complaining and being your age! I did a 25 mile bike ride this morning with no helmet. It was SO ROCKIN.
So I will continue to push what I do, but I will also drink my strawberry flavored muscle milk, walk slowly across the pool deck, and adjust my rearview. Just to be on the safe side.
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Second Hand Blog
A lot has happened at the Y during the time I was away. I appreciate many of you keeping me informed so we can get this blog going again. Second hand news may not be all true but that doesn't keep me from reporting on it.
Wonder Woman caught Poison Ivy getting into her locker last week. She did the confused old lady game to make it look like she wasn't doing anything wrong as she lurched away with her little handbag. I'm not sure what W.W. would have that a zombie would need - probably makeup, so please try to keep an eye on your makeup until we know what we're dealing with here.
JBF has taken to wearing just a sports bra in the fitness center. Let's just agree to agree she doesn't look all that shit hot in her tight bright spandex, but she no doubt thinks she does. We know this because Mom reported her pacing back and forth but not really doing anything, just doing the runway act. Maybe, like P.I., she too is a bit confused, but in this case it's probably from alcohol, which at least I can understand. Mom suggested that one day soon we should have Sports Bra Day and we'll ALL wear our sports bras and no top. I have a hot pink number that I'll save just for the occasion. I'll keep you posted on the exact date.
The Incredible Hunk suggested that I could blog about The Talker, but was informed that it's already been done. He was at the pool yesterday. He thinks my name is Sue. In less that one minute I was informed that he bought a new house so he's been working out at the Bethlehem Y and that's why we haven't seen him around in a while and that he's having his car serviced on Central Avenue that's why he was in Guilderland and swimming in our pool and that the water's too warm okay have a nice day. He NEVER smiles. How does anyone talk and only their mouth goes up and down like a puppet and the rest of their face doesn't move???
They refinished the floors in the gym - it's still not open. I am SO glad I missed the toxic stink this year. I'm also glad to see that they have been keeping the carpets clean. I think twice a week isn't nearly often enough, don't you???
The weather in the south is really really hot and humid. New Orleans smells like pee. I went running along the river early one morning along with a large brown rat, and we said hello to a few drunk gay guys who obviously hadn't been home all night. They didn't even blink at the talking rat.
Back to the present: I got caught running in the rain this morning, which I figured might happen, but the weather here is SO nice in comparison to NO. Later at the Y Wonder Woman told me they kicked everyone out of the pool because of thunderstorms. Back Float Bob was miffed that they also wouldn't let anyone in the sauna or steam room, so I suggested maybe they could just let the people we didn't like use it during the storm. Wonder Woman pointed out it's not nearly big enough to fit them all. (Maybe they could take turns)
I'm still detoxing from a week of good friends, too much food and way too many glasses of wine. The Gulf coast was awesome and being in the ocean was all good. It was all good, especially seeing my dear friend Peaches (not her real name). But it's sure nice to be home, too, and back at the Y where I belong.
Wonder Woman caught Poison Ivy getting into her locker last week. She did the confused old lady game to make it look like she wasn't doing anything wrong as she lurched away with her little handbag. I'm not sure what W.W. would have that a zombie would need - probably makeup, so please try to keep an eye on your makeup until we know what we're dealing with here.
JBF has taken to wearing just a sports bra in the fitness center. Let's just agree to agree she doesn't look all that shit hot in her tight bright spandex, but she no doubt thinks she does. We know this because Mom reported her pacing back and forth but not really doing anything, just doing the runway act. Maybe, like P.I., she too is a bit confused, but in this case it's probably from alcohol, which at least I can understand. Mom suggested that one day soon we should have Sports Bra Day and we'll ALL wear our sports bras and no top. I have a hot pink number that I'll save just for the occasion. I'll keep you posted on the exact date.
The Incredible Hunk suggested that I could blog about The Talker, but was informed that it's already been done. He was at the pool yesterday. He thinks my name is Sue. In less that one minute I was informed that he bought a new house so he's been working out at the Bethlehem Y and that's why we haven't seen him around in a while and that he's having his car serviced on Central Avenue that's why he was in Guilderland and swimming in our pool and that the water's too warm okay have a nice day. He NEVER smiles. How does anyone talk and only their mouth goes up and down like a puppet and the rest of their face doesn't move???
They refinished the floors in the gym - it's still not open. I am SO glad I missed the toxic stink this year. I'm also glad to see that they have been keeping the carpets clean. I think twice a week isn't nearly often enough, don't you???
The weather in the south is really really hot and humid. New Orleans smells like pee. I went running along the river early one morning along with a large brown rat, and we said hello to a few drunk gay guys who obviously hadn't been home all night. They didn't even blink at the talking rat.
Back to the present: I got caught running in the rain this morning, which I figured might happen, but the weather here is SO nice in comparison to NO. Later at the Y Wonder Woman told me they kicked everyone out of the pool because of thunderstorms. Back Float Bob was miffed that they also wouldn't let anyone in the sauna or steam room, so I suggested maybe they could just let the people we didn't like use it during the storm. Wonder Woman pointed out it's not nearly big enough to fit them all. (Maybe they could take turns)
I'm still detoxing from a week of good friends, too much food and way too many glasses of wine. The Gulf coast was awesome and being in the ocean was all good. It was all good, especially seeing my dear friend Peaches (not her real name). But it's sure nice to be home, too, and back at the Y where I belong.
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